Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash
When my son was 3 years old, his preschool teacher approached me to discuss a serious matter.
"I'm teaching your son to keep his hands to himself," she said in a grave tone.
"His hands are not going anywhere without him," I remember thinking to myself, as that expression always struck me as funny. Noticing my lack of engagement, the teacher frowned and leaned forward. "Your son has a habit of hugging his friends," she added with increased seriousness.
"Has he touched anyone inappropriately?" I asked puzzled, still trying to understand what my son had done wrong.
"No, Leo is a very kind boy," she answered promptly.
"Phew," I sighed in relief, leaning back in my chair. "So, what is the matter?" I asked ingenuously.
"He needs to learn to respect other people's personal space," said the teacher, a tint of annoyance in her voice for stating the obvious.
At that moment, it hit me - as a Brazilian, my concept of personal space was quite different from hers.
Although personal space is a universal concept, different cultures have different perceptions of what it constitutes and how close it is acceptable to stand to various acquaintances. In general, people from warmer climates are more likely to stand in closer proximity and engage in more touching during a conversation than folks living in colder places. On average, Americans prefer to be 2–3 feet (60–90cm) away from acquaintances and strangers, while Brits like to keep 2.6 feet (80cm) from an acquaintance and just over 1.6 feet (50cm) from an intimate or close friend. In contrast, Argentinians keep a 2.4 feet (76cm) distance from a stranger, 1.9 feet (59cm) from an acquaintance, and only 1.3 feet (40cm) from a friend. Just like their South American counterparts, Brazilians tend to stand much closer to each other and are also among the most touchy-feely people, greeting each other with a kiss on the cheek and often touching a friend's arm or shoulder during a conversation.
The COVID-19 pandemic, with its mandatory social distancing, has changed people's behavior and what is considered 'appropriate' interpersonal distance. In cultures with higher rates of interpersonal distance (IPD), the pre-pandemic norm was to keep a distance of about 3 feet (1 meter) when interacting with strangers. The imposed 6-foot requirement during the pandemic exceeded this preferred social distance by double the accepted social norm. Research done during the pandemic years indicates that violating preferred norms of social distance and enforcing larger IPD over long durations led to mid- to long-term negative consequences, including an increase in loneliness. Although some may argue that the imposed social distance was necessary to help save lives, there are plenty of studies showing that the COVID-19 pandemic led to an increase in loneliness around the world, aggravated young people's loneliness, and contributed to our current loneliness epidemic.
The pandemic is not the only culprit behind our loneliness crisis. Technology and social media have replaced in-person relationships and trapped us in digital bubbles. Parents are touching their kids less often, in large part because we are all glued to our phones and computers, interacting through a glass screen. It's no coincidence that mental health issues have increased significantly over the last decades, stemming from the changing modes of social interactions caused by electronic communication and digital media.
Humans aren't meant to live in isolation, and physical touch is a fundamental necessity.
Regardless of one's age and culture, touch is vital to the positive health and development of human beings. We all need physical contact, the bonding that assures us we aren't alone. Without the warmth of physical contact, which calms and unites us, we are denied one of the most primordial ways of communication and a sense of connection. When I stretch my arm and touch another human being, I show a desire to connect. When I cuddle my son, I express my love and forge a mother-child bond. When I extend my hand to help an elderly person cross the street, I show compassion and respect. And these moments of connection, while fleeting, have a lasting impact on our wellbeing.
My son is now a teenager, and, although he is still not shy about expressing his love and affection to family and friends, he is spending more time behind screens. As a mother, I'm challenged to get him outside the digital world and get meaningful face-to-face interactions. And I hope my son will encounter a world of tolerance and appreciation for genuine expressions of love, kindness, and human connections.